Monday, May 02, 2005
Nature Or Nurture?
My middle son has ADHD.
The moment you realize your child has a behavioral problem, you think "how? why?" and the all-too-familiar guilt of motherhood sinks in, of course, it's all OUR fault!
Then all the books and doctors and literature say no, it's a chemical imbalance that can be corrected by drugs.
But deep inside, I still knew it was all my fault. I was ashamed and didn't tell anyone.
Till one day, having a discussion with the doc, I just blurted it out.
"It's the way I raised him, I know it."
So we talked about it. I told him that my oldest son was so rigid, paint-within-the-lines, follow all the rules kind of boy. So when I got pregnant with Noa, I set my mind to have a fun-loving boy who didn't have to wash his feet if sand were in his toes.
I was enamored with Calvin and Hobbes. My all time favorite comic. I thought the way the father spun such tall tales when answering serious questions was just hilarious. (See previous post.)
So, Noa was born. There were no schedules, he could sleep whenever, eat whenever, and we would just go places all the time and always had fun. I took him to the beach and the pool ALL the time, ever since he was just a few weeks old. We made up stories every day. When he asked me how things worked, I would first ask him how he THOUGHT they worked, and made him think it through, then would give him a classic Calvin's father answer, meaning, it was pretty imaginative. But I would also tell him the truth after. But I totally encouraged creativeness with him, which turned into lying all the time : (
He could get as dirty as he wanted (they ARE washable, after all!) and play with whatever he wanted. He had free reign. It got to the point where he thought he had a right to do anything and would debate everything to the point of exhaustion (mine, not his)
THAT'S why he has ADHD, I'm almost sure of it. He didn't have a set bedtime until Kindergarten. He'd sleep at 10pm sometimes! Yes, I know...
But on the flip side of all the bad stuff, he was AMAZINGLY bright. He could talk, walk, read, and knew how things worked so much earlier than his older brother, who everyone thought was so smart!
So I'll take credit for the good side of Noa too.
He still amazes me all the time. He's in first grade and the teacher works on special math with him, he's working on the times table and he's on 7's now. I don't even know where that is nationally, since I know that Hawaii is not so good on the math, but he's ahead of his class anyway, they're still doing adding, I think.
So anyhow, the question is, do you think it is a "chemical imbalance" or could a wild and crazy rule-less childhood be the culprit?
Nature or Nurture? ¶ 12:05 PM
The moment you realize your child has a behavioral problem, you think "how? why?" and the all-too-familiar guilt of motherhood sinks in, of course, it's all OUR fault!
Then all the books and doctors and literature say no, it's a chemical imbalance that can be corrected by drugs.
But deep inside, I still knew it was all my fault. I was ashamed and didn't tell anyone.
Till one day, having a discussion with the doc, I just blurted it out.
"It's the way I raised him, I know it."
So we talked about it. I told him that my oldest son was so rigid, paint-within-the-lines, follow all the rules kind of boy. So when I got pregnant with Noa, I set my mind to have a fun-loving boy who didn't have to wash his feet if sand were in his toes.
I was enamored with Calvin and Hobbes. My all time favorite comic. I thought the way the father spun such tall tales when answering serious questions was just hilarious. (See previous post.)
So, Noa was born. There were no schedules, he could sleep whenever, eat whenever, and we would just go places all the time and always had fun. I took him to the beach and the pool ALL the time, ever since he was just a few weeks old. We made up stories every day. When he asked me how things worked, I would first ask him how he THOUGHT they worked, and made him think it through, then would give him a classic Calvin's father answer, meaning, it was pretty imaginative. But I would also tell him the truth after. But I totally encouraged creativeness with him, which turned into lying all the time : (
He could get as dirty as he wanted (they ARE washable, after all!) and play with whatever he wanted. He had free reign. It got to the point where he thought he had a right to do anything and would debate everything to the point of exhaustion (mine, not his)
THAT'S why he has ADHD, I'm almost sure of it. He didn't have a set bedtime until Kindergarten. He'd sleep at 10pm sometimes! Yes, I know...
But on the flip side of all the bad stuff, he was AMAZINGLY bright. He could talk, walk, read, and knew how things worked so much earlier than his older brother, who everyone thought was so smart!
So I'll take credit for the good side of Noa too.
He still amazes me all the time. He's in first grade and the teacher works on special math with him, he's working on the times table and he's on 7's now. I don't even know where that is nationally, since I know that Hawaii is not so good on the math, but he's ahead of his class anyway, they're still doing adding, I think.
So anyhow, the question is, do you think it is a "chemical imbalance" or could a wild and crazy rule-less childhood be the culprit?
Nature or Nurture? ¶ 12:05 PM
Comments:
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I also have a daughter with ADHD (mixed in with a few other abbreviations). In my opinion and from what I have read, ADHD is a mental disorder that is not a direct result of parenting. Dr. Phil has some good thoughts on this subject and frequently talks about a brainwaves test they can do to actually diagnose ADHD now.
I think your parenting skills play a HUGE role in how well the child functions but I don't think you can create ADHD in a child just by your parenting. If that was the case, changing your parenting skills now (and giving it time to work) would make all of your son's issues disappear.
Our daughter thrives on a schedule and consistancy. She hates when she has to deal with the unexpected. Before she started school our schedule was very lax and really had no flow. Her ADHD was very apparent then. Once she got into preschool and had a set bedtime and a more rigid daily routine, things perked up A BIT. She still most definitely has ADHD even with a schedule.
Once we put her on meds and did some behavior modification techniques things have been much better. We are still hopeful it is something she will grow out of.
How is that for an answer! LOL
I think your parenting skills play a HUGE role in how well the child functions but I don't think you can create ADHD in a child just by your parenting. If that was the case, changing your parenting skills now (and giving it time to work) would make all of your son's issues disappear.
Our daughter thrives on a schedule and consistancy. She hates when she has to deal with the unexpected. Before she started school our schedule was very lax and really had no flow. Her ADHD was very apparent then. Once she got into preschool and had a set bedtime and a more rigid daily routine, things perked up A BIT. She still most definitely has ADHD even with a schedule.
Once we put her on meds and did some behavior modification techniques things have been much better. We are still hopeful it is something she will grow out of.
How is that for an answer! LOL
i wish i had some really good advice but since my kids are just 2..what can I say to ya? except i'll pray for you and your sweet boy. xok8
Jodi--My son loves unscheduled days, when he can be free...but it makes him careless and not listen to us. He "forgets" rules. School days are great because he has a set schedule from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed (school, TKD, homework, dinner, play, bath, bedtime.) He is much easier to handle. I just don't have the heart to make his weekends set, when he has to shower, eat, sleep etc. It makes it hard on us, but I think every kid should have free time.
What kind of behavior modification do you do?
K8--Thanks : )
What kind of behavior modification do you do?
K8--Thanks : )
Two different teachers have pushed me to get my son tested so he can be labeled, but I pushed back.
It's not that I don't believe ADD and ADHD exsist. (I was diagnosed with ADD as a teen.) I just wonder if there isn't a tendecy for doctors to just shove everyone into those categories and load them up with meds.
To this day I have trouble concentrating, especially if that task if not of interest to me. I have trouble understanding things if I can't see someone's face when they're talking (probably a HUGE reason I don't like talking on the phone.)
My son, Nick, get's restless. He fiddles with stuff, he daydreams, he talks, he doesn't understand directions.
We're working on it without meds. We've just told him to try harder. We've asked the teacher to give him directions slowly and to touch his shoulder to get his attention - things like that. He is making great progess (all A's and B's lately.)
We think he is a really intelligent boy. Maybe he isn't a genius - he's not doing algebra or anything - but he's smart in a different and creative way - and I think that isn't valued enough in public schools.
Some of the brightest people in history hated school and had trouble getting through it. Just because one learns differently doesn't mean it's "wrong" (though that is what we're told again and again and again!)
As parents we do feel a certain guilt. We want our children to be successful in a tangible way. In a way where no one is in doubt and they all admire your child's intelligence. At the same time, I know that you're like me and you look at your child and KNOW they're special. I can't wait to see what these children accomplish in life once they're freed from the restraints of formal schooling.
PS - As for the multiplication, my son is in 1st grade and compared to our state, and the state we lived in previously, that is advanced.
It's not that I don't believe ADD and ADHD exsist. (I was diagnosed with ADD as a teen.) I just wonder if there isn't a tendecy for doctors to just shove everyone into those categories and load them up with meds.
To this day I have trouble concentrating, especially if that task if not of interest to me. I have trouble understanding things if I can't see someone's face when they're talking (probably a HUGE reason I don't like talking on the phone.)
My son, Nick, get's restless. He fiddles with stuff, he daydreams, he talks, he doesn't understand directions.
We're working on it without meds. We've just told him to try harder. We've asked the teacher to give him directions slowly and to touch his shoulder to get his attention - things like that. He is making great progess (all A's and B's lately.)
We think he is a really intelligent boy. Maybe he isn't a genius - he's not doing algebra or anything - but he's smart in a different and creative way - and I think that isn't valued enough in public schools.
Some of the brightest people in history hated school and had trouble getting through it. Just because one learns differently doesn't mean it's "wrong" (though that is what we're told again and again and again!)
As parents we do feel a certain guilt. We want our children to be successful in a tangible way. In a way where no one is in doubt and they all admire your child's intelligence. At the same time, I know that you're like me and you look at your child and KNOW they're special. I can't wait to see what these children accomplish in life once they're freed from the restraints of formal schooling.
PS - As for the multiplication, my son is in 1st grade and compared to our state, and the state we lived in previously, that is advanced.
My son is autistic. I know about guilt. I went through phases feeling like it was my fault . . . something that I did when I was pregnant. I have come to realize that these little people come with their own personalities and characters. You are the only person who can raise your child. Keep up the good work!
Hello Everyone
I have made a Web site about babies learning and cognition.
I hope you check it out.
http://leader4u.com
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I have made a Web site about babies learning and cognition.
I hope you check it out.
http://leader4u.com
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